12 Pieces of Marriage Advice You Probably Haven’t Heard
I don’t like talking about marriage. It’s a combination of things for me:
A broken-off engagement
A divorce
Remarriage
And the lack of conversation in the Church
Now, don’t get me wrong, there is conversation surrounding marriage in the Church but it’s often stale, shallow, or soft. There is helpful advice and practical content surrounding household responsibilities and “fighting fair,” but when things get truly hard (and they will), there’s not a lot available. It’s so bad that when marriages do begin to struggle, they cover it up and play it cool until the absolute last second when it’s almost irreparable. (I’m speaking from my experience and those with whom I’ve walked through life with—take it with a grain of salt.) This isn’t good.
But the topic of marriage feels off-limits to me. As if I’m unqualified because of my history. I used to think I wasn’t qualified to give marriage advice because my first marriage failed. Like if I offered any piece of info the hearer would be thinking, “yeahhhh but how did that work out for her...” right?
And while I am still very careful and guarded with marriage advice, I do think there’s a lot to learn from a failed one. And, someone who has been in a failed marriage is probably going to be a lot more honest than those still married. No shame to those keeping things tight to their chest… there’s a level of protection you’ve got to have for your spouse. But when that level of protection is no longer there because the union is no longer there, you can be a little more open.
That being said, this is not going to be me airing my dirty laundry from 7 years ago. That’s just none of anyone’s business. BUT, I am going to share some vulnerable information that I gained while walking through a divorce in my 20’s. I’m starting to see this silence as another scheme of the enemy to keep marriages from thriving. It’s just another tactic to shame us, keep us quiet, and allow marriages to suffer silently.
If I were on the outside looking in on someone else in my position, I would tell them that their take on marriage is even more valuable because of their experience. I would want to learn from someone who has seen it end badly. I’d want to hear from someone who didn’t throw out the idea altogether (though, I tried). I’d want all the help I can get because good marriage advice is hard to come by.
And to be honest, if the hardest thing you’ve walked through in marriage is divvying up household responsibilities or struggling with communication, you can’t help me. I need a source who has done the deeper work and is willing to be truthful about it.
If you’re married, want to be married someday, or have a similar story, my goal is for this to encourage your efforts AND provide some eye-opening advice that you probably won’t get in pre-marital counseling. Although I hope you still go. You 100% should still do that. That being said, I wanted to drop a few nuggets from over the years that have actually helped me.
#1 - Stop looking for “the one.”
We put pressure on people to find “the one” or to know that they know that they know they are marrying the right person. You’ll know when you know, right? But there is no magical “one” person perfectly suited for you. As a matter of fact, no one is even close to perfectly suited for you. Everyone you date is an imperfect human. As are you. Even if opposites attract, it won’t be a perfect match. Even if they are exactly like you, it won’t be a perfect match. When we are so focused on there being one, exact, perfect person for us, we limit our odds of finding a spouse down to 1 in 8 billion. And that’s just impossible. I’m not saying don’t have standards or boundaries, obviously. That would be insane. But if you’re expecting a perfect person, it’s not going to happen.
#2 - You can’t be 100% sure.
Everyone experiences doubt that they’ve married the right person and even doubt that it’s going to be a “happy” marriage. That’s normal. Because knowing who to marry and how it’s going to go requires an element of trust in God and faith in what He has for you. Just like everything else in life, there are no guarantees.
If you are feeling the pressure of making the wrong decision in marrying someone or possibly not marrying someone, something I learned in therapy in the midst of my divorce might be freeing for you: I was in the very early stages of processing what was happening and I was struggling with whether or not I made the right choice to get married in the first place or if we messed it up along the way. My therapist said not to concern myself with whether or not I made the right decision to marry him. If, at the time, I wasn’t directly disobeying God, and was operating within the information I had, and the perspective I was capable of at the time, then I made the best decision I could.
It’s really hard to make decisions that impact the rest of your life. You can’t know the future. You also can’t ensure the future. After more time, I settled in my spirit that I was supposed to marry my first husband. I still believe I followed God’s leading back then. Although it ended in divorce, I was still called to that marriage. I learned how to hold both of those things. Unless you directly disobeyed God, you didn’t marry the wrong person. But you married a person, and now that person is your spouse whom you are called to love and serve whether you feel “sure” about it or not.
#3 - People change.
I find this both incredibly encouraging and incredibly terrifying. For one, thank God people can change. I wouldn’t believe in the gospel if I didn’t believe this. Walking with Jesus means changing. Not just changing from our lost and dying selves into found and living selves, but also as we are sanctified each day. We should be changing to look more like Jesus.
On the other hand, you can’t know what kind of change your spouse might experience over time. Or for that matter, yourself! You might think you’re marrying someone who loves to go out, sleep in late, party, and host people in your home—then suddenly, they prefer the couch and Netflix, going to bed at 9 PM, and canceling plans. You might think you’re marrying someone who works out regularly, then suddenly they haven’t been to the gym in months. You might think you’re marrying someone who goes to church, then suddenly they like to sleep in on Sundays. Or even more seriously, you might think you’re marrying someone who loves Jesus, and then you find out they just knew all the right things to say.
We need to expect change in our marriage. Expect not only interests and lifestyles to change, but desires, dreams and… diagnoses. Your spouse will likely encounter mental health struggles, physical illness or even a life-altering handicap that you couldn’t have planned for. So plan for it now.
#4 - You can’t change your spouse.
You probably know this, but you don’t live this. We try to fix them, get through to them, or even heal them. But we can’t control our spouses. We can influence people. We can help improve their wardrobe. We can guide them in how they use love languages. We can encourage counseling or mentorships. We can model a relationship with Jesus and fruit of the Holy Spirit. But we can’t force actual change in them. At the end of the day, they are responsible for themselves. You may be one flesh, but you are two distinct people.
This also means that the advice you’ve been given to go home and do _____________ to fix your marriage is garbage. If your actions are intending to get your spouse to do something, it won’t work. I learned this when others seemed to expect me to save my marriage myself. It suggested that anything I did at home would ultimately fix it all. But no amount of taking out the trash, tidying up the house, or even the silent treatment will create change in another person. Their change comes from their own intention and effort. Now, you can (and should!) serve your spouse, do the things God is asking you to do, and work toward your own healing—but not so that you can attempt to control someone else. It’s between you and God.
#5 - It takes two to stay married.
All the effort in the world on your part cannot single-handedly keep you married. Contrary to some of the advice I received, you can’t in fact, go home, pray harder and be the best wife in the world and expect that to work. As if I wasn’t already trying everything I knew. A marriage is composed of two people. Two people who have their own desires, their own emotions, their own struggles, their own relationships with Jesus, and their own free will. No one person can sustain a marriage by themselves. Now, will there be seasons where one is more invested or efforting more, or carrying more load, or supporting the other more—YES. That’s normal. But when it comes to choosing to stay married and grow together, it takes two.
#6 - Your marriage can end in divorce.
Yes, yours. In the church, we are told that divorce is prevalent but not that it’s possible. Not for us anyway. But divorce rates are just as high, if not higher, in the church. We are led to believe that if you work hard enough and love God enough it won’t happen to us. We decide that divorce is a dark, dirty word that we don’t have to touch. I never thought divorce would be my story. I actually thought because I said “divorce is not an option”, that it meant it couldn’t happen. But simply saying “divorce is not an option” doesn’t make it true. What do you do when it comes knocking at your door? I think it’s more helpful for couples to know that divorce is possible. You have to decide as a couple that you will protect your marriage. People don’t just happen to stay married. It takes intentional work, holy work. And the work has to include both of you.
#7 - Your marital status is not your identity.
Just in general, your relationship status is not your identity. I think we struggle with this as a Christian culture because we put marriage on such a high pedestal. I would even say, we make marriage an idol. Now, marriage is beautiful, important, and of high-value. But it’s not everything. It’s a covenant made before God that exemplifies God’s covenant to us. It images Christ’s love for his bride the church. It matters. It’s a big deal. But it’s not everything.
I learned in the process of divorce that God values the people that make up a marriage more than the institution of marriage. That was hard for me to understand. But God sent His son Jesus to die for people, not marriage. If we put marriage in its rightful place, we are less likely to find our identity in it or the lack of it. Your identity is first and foremost in Christ. Not in a relationship status. If your identity is firmly rooted, you’re less likely to have multiple identity crises based on your marital status.
#8 - Your commitment is to each other, not an institution.
And I’d also add, your commitment is to God. It’s not meant to be about a title, or tax status, or even security for you. It’s a covenant relationship between man, woman, and God. It’s a promise to each other, not to the institution. It’s about a covenant relationship. It’s between souls. It reflects the covenant relationship God has with His people. Not the relationship God has with His covenant. The basis of your marriage shouldn’t be the marriage itself. If you’re focusing on keeping it together because you have to, or just because divorce is wrong, or a piece of paper says you’re married… then you’re looking at it the wrong way. You’re actually cheapening it. Marriage is not an obligation but a covenant relationship. You are promising to faithfully love and serve your spouse by sacrificing your desires and your life for the sake of their good and holiness. If you just want an obligation, take out a loan.
#9 - Marriage is not a competition.
I didn’t recognize this in my first marriage until recently. When we aren’t in the right headspace, we can compete with our spouses. Instead of viewing our spouse as a partner or teammate, we view them as our competition and in the worst cases, as our enemy.
This can look like always having to be right or correct, keeping tabs on who does more housework, undermining your spouse’s parenting choices, jealousy over your spouse’s promotion, feeling like you deserve a night out because they had a night out, disregarding your spouse’s efforts or hard work, making fun of their hobbies, or talking over your spouse. The list goes on and on. When we compete with our spouses we reveal our own insecurities. But our spouse is meant to be our biggest supporter, our encourager, our confidant, and our safe place. When your spouse wins, you win. It’s not a competition.
#10 - Feelings fade.
Romantic love feelings come and go. The honeymoon phase ends. You won’t always “feel” in love with your spouse. And no, you aren’t the exception to this rule. I know some of you who are dating or engaged or newly married think you have beat the system somehow. But trust me, you haven’t. There will come a day when you don’t feel the way you feel right now. It doesn’t always have to be some dramatic event or betrayal or hurt that causes it. It’s just a fact of life that feelings fade.
I knew romantic love faded over time, but it was different when I lived it. I was in a marriage that had zero feelings of love by the end. I didn't understand in my first marriage how hard it could actually be internally. How confusing, how frustrating and how miserable it can be to experience. Through that I found out just how much work it takes to choose love and choose growth rather than chase feelings. Because feelings are not facts. Feelings lie to us all the time. And we can’t base our marriages off of feelings.
#11 - Physical intimacy is not a band-aid.
This lesson is often learned the hard way. And as awkward as it might be, it’s worth saying out loud. If you are having issues in your marriage, sex isn’t going to fix it. If you’re struggling to communicate, if you’re not emotionally connected, if you’re arguing over money, if you’re competing with each other, if there’s contempt or resentment, sex isn’t going to fix it. Unfortunately, Hollywood pretends like couples can just hit the sheets and suddenly problems are solved. For some, it may feel like they’re solved at first (those are called chemicals) but in most scenarios, it may be making things worse.
I know too many women whose husbands have told them if they would just have sex, it would fix their problems. And the women often respond, “if we could just fix our problem, we could have sex.” Now, I’m not a sex or marriage therapist, nor do I want to be. But I do know that sex is more than a physical act. And for it to be what God intended it to be, there’s a lot that has to happen beforehand. Some of those things being safety, trust, and emotional connection. If you try to fix your problems with sex, you’re likely harming your relationship further. Instead, take it off the table, release the pressure and expectations, and address what’s really going on.
#12 - You aren’t responsible for your spouse’s happiness.
Another “thank you” to our culture for this one. But despite popular belief, your spouse doesn’t complete you. Not only that, but they don’t exist to make you happy. You won’t find anywhere in scripture that our goal or aim is happiness. Jesus talks instead about being “blessed…”
Matthew 5:3-11
³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
⁵ “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
⁶ “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
⁷ “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
⁸ “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
⁹ “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
¹⁰ “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
¹¹ “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.”
That’s a little different, isn’t it? Blessed are the ones who are experiencing hard times, pain, and difficulty. Blessed are the ones who want the things of God, who pursue God, who look like God. Not… happy are the ones who are married. We expect to be filled by our spouses instead of God. We expect to be catered to, always feel good, and to have all of our needs met. We expect our spouses to make us happy.
But that’s not the point of marriage… Marriage isn’t for your happiness. It’s for your holiness.
I believe the key to taking a step back toward your spouse and the only step that produces change is dying to yourself.
Luke 9:23-24
“And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.”
Marriage magnifies our need to die to ourselves. It’s like having a tangible reminder that it’s not about us. That we aren’t as incredible as we think we are. That in order to look like Jesus, the dying truly will have to happen daily. I’ve heard Tim Ross say that’s why you get married at the altar… altars are where things die. You go there to die. Two people meet at the altar and die to themselves. You are the sacrifice. That’s how you enter into marriage. It’s how we’re expected to live anyway, married or not.
Holiness comes with a cost. You have to constantly die to yourself to become holy. Dying is painful. So many parts of me need to die and it’s going to hurt. And we both have to be willing to die over and over for marriage to work. We can’t give up when it’s too hard to die. I know I’m selfish and marriage will show me exactly how selfish. It shows me my bad attitude, my entitlement, my pride, my expectations, my general yuckiness.
Marriage is two sinful people living in each other's space, depending on the other, supporting each other, and it rubs against our broken parts. It shows us how unholy we are. But if we are committed to doing it together, we make sin the enemy, not each other. We face the broken parts together and we help each other toward holiness. And that’s the whole point.
We’re ending on a serious note rather than with a happy ending, because sometimes it doesn’t work out like that. I don’t love the fact that so many of us have walked through or are currently walking through divorce. It’s not what God intended. It’s not what most of us intended either. But it is one of the realities of sin and brokenness.
Instead of acting like it’s not happening, we should probably talk about why it is. So here’s to hoping that being a little more open and a little more vulnerable will help more marriages make it. So, if you’re wanting to get married or stay married, then you’ll have to get used to dying. But that’s the holy part of the work. We get to be a part of a covenant that shows Christ's love for the Church. The church in all its mess, imperfection, ugliness—Jesus loves her. And serves her. And out of that love, she loves Him and serves Him.
Let’s get to dying.
Prayer:
God, you created marriage so you are not surprised by any of it. Thank you for the gift that marriage is. Help us to hold it in it’s rightful place according to your Word. Be with those who are experiencing the realities of a broken world and sinful people. You are close to the brokenhearted. Help us to surrender ourselves and our expectations of marriage to you today. Amen.
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