Why I Hate Talking About Marriage

I don’t like talking about marriage. It’s a combination of things for me:

a broken-off engagement

a divorce

remarriage

and the lack of conversation in the Church

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is conversation surrounding marriage in the Church, but it’s often stale, shallow, or soft. There is helpful advice and practical content on household responsibilities and “fighting fair,” but when things get truly hard (and they will), there’s not a lot available. It’s so bad that when marriages do begin to struggle, they cover it up and play it cool until the absolute last second, when it’s almost irreparable. (I’m speaking from my experience and  those with whom I’ve walked through life—take it with a grain of salt.)

This isn’t good.

But the topic of marriage feels off-limits to me, as if I’m unqualified because of my history.

I’m starting to see this as another scheme of the enemy to keep marriages from thriving. It’s just another tactic to shame us, keep us quiet, and allow marriages to suffer silently.

If I were on the outside looking in on someone else in my position, I would tell them that their take on marriage is even more valuable because of their experience. I would want to learn from someone who has seen it end badly. I’d want to hear from someone who didn’t throw out the idea altogether (though I tried). I’d want all the help I can get because good marriage advice is hard to come by.

And to be honest, if the hardest thing you’ve walked through in marriage is divvying up household responsibilities or struggling with communication, you can’t help me. I need a source who has done the deeper work and is willing to be truthful about it.

That being said, I wanted to drop a few nuggets from over the years that have actually helped me:

#1 - No one is 100% sure when they get married.

If you are feeling the pressure of making the wrong decision in marrying someone or possibly not marrying someone. Something I learned in therapy in the midst of my divorce might be freeing for you…

I was in the very early stages of processing what was happening, and I was struggling with whether or not I made the right choice to get married in the first place, or if we messed it up along the way: She said not to concern myself with whether or not I made the right decision to marry him. If, at the time, I wasn’t directly disobeying God, and was operating within the information I had, and the perspective I was capable of at the time, then I made the best decision I could.

No one gets married knowing with 100% certainty how it will turn out.

We put pressure on people to find “the one” or to know that they know that they know they are marrying the right person. You’ll know when you know, right? But there is no magical or perfect person. And you aren’t perfect either.

Everyone experiences doubt that they’ve married the right person, and even doubt that it’s going to be a “happy” marriage. That’s normal. Because knowing who to marry and how it’s going to go requires an element of trust in God and faith in what He has for you. Just like everything else in life, there are no guarantees.

Unless you directly disobeyed God, you didn’t marry the wrong person. But you married a person, and now that person is your spouse, whom you are called to love and serve, whether you feel “sure” about it or not.

#2 - You can’t change your spouse.

You probably know this, but you don’t live this. We try to fix them, get through to them, or even heal them. But we can’t control our spouses.

This was one of the biggest lessons from my first marriage. In theory, you know that you can’t change people. At least you should know that. But when it comes to a relationship, we usually try.

We can influence people.

We can help improve their wardrobe.

We can guide them in how they use love languages.

We can encourage counseling or mentorships.

We can model a relationship with Jesus and the fruits of the Holy Spirit. 

But we can’t force actual change in them.

At the end of the day, they are responsible for themselves. You may be one flesh, but you are two distinct people.

This also means that the advice you’ve been given to go home and do _____________ to fix your marriage is garbage. If your actions are intended to get your spouse to do something, it won’t work. No amount of taking out the trash, tidying up the house, or even silent treatment will create change in another person. Their change comes from their own intention and effort.

Now, you can (and should!) serve your spouse, do the things God is asking you to do, and work toward your own healing—but not so that you can attempt to control someone else. It’s between you and God.

#3 - Your marriage can end in divorce.

Yes, yours. In the church, we are told that divorce is prevalent but not that it’s possible. Not for us anyway. But divorce rates are just as high, if not higher, in the church.

We are led to believe that if you work hard enough and love God enough, it won’t happen to you. We decide that divorce is a dark, dirty word that we don’t have to touch. But I think it’s more helpful for couples to know that divorce is possible.

You have to decide as a couple that you will protect your marriage. People don’t just happen to stay married. It takes intentional work, holy work. And the work has to include both of you. It takes two people to stay married.

And simply saying “divorce is not an option” doesn’t make it true.

Plenty of people told me that marriage was hard work. Plenty said that I had no idea how hard. But plenty of people also told me that if I trusted God, prayed hard enough, and had enough faith, God would protect my marriage. But no one told me that’s just not how it works.

I never thought divorce would be my story. I actually thought that because I said, “divorce is not an option,” it meant it couldn’t happen. I actually think it’s more helpful for couples to know it’s possible. To know that you are the people who will protect your marriage from ending. People don’t just happen to stay married. It takes intentional work, holy work. And the work starts with each of you.

I believe the key to taking a step back toward your spouse and the only step that produces change is dying to yourself.

“And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.’”

Luke 9:23-24

Marriage magnifies our need to die to ourselves. It’s like having a tangible reminder that it’s not about us. That we aren’t as incredible as we think we are. In order to look like Jesus, the dying will have to happen daily.

So, if you want to get married or stay married, then you’ll have to get used to dying. But that’s the holy part of the work. We get to be a part of a covenant that shows Christ's love for the Church. The church in all its mess, imperfection, ugliness—Jesus loves her. And serves her. And out of that love, she loves Him and serves Him.

Let’s get to dying.

Reflection Questions:

What beliefs about marriage do I need to challenge or reevaluate?

Where do I need to die to myself today?

Prayer:

God, you created marriage so you are not surprised by any of it. Thank you for the gift that marriage is. Help us to hold it in it’s rightful place according to your Word. Be with those who are experiencing the realities of a broken world and sinful people. You are close to the brokenhearted. Help us to surrender ourselves and our expectations of marriage to you today. Amen.