Overcoming the Offense Trap: How to Let Go of Hurt and Find True Freedom
I've been avoiding this topic for a while now. It's been on my list since way back, and God had just begun working on me in this area when I first thought about it. I was intimidated to share something so unfinished, and honestly, it's a hard topic to receive.
Someone gave me a book on this back in March, and I couldn't even read it at first.
I wrote a long journal entry about the similarities I saw between the book and my own convictions, my own pain and hurt. At the end of the page, I wrote:
"I feel this burning in my gut when I start to agree with this stuff. I know I have a head knowledge of the truth, but my body is still fighting to hold onto the offense."
Today we're talking about offense.
This topic is a natural next step from what we've been talking about. Many of the passages are the same or adjacent, and I've sort of been stepping on its toes lately anyway.
When we think about our enemies, why are they our enemies? Because they've done something to us.
We are an offended people. We take things personally, and we hold onto them. Part of it is that everything is about us. We live as the main character of our own stories. Things are happening "to" us, or done "to" us. We have a hard time seeing outside of ourselves, and we have a world telling us it's all about us and our happiness.
But we are not called to live offended. We aren't meant to hold onto the things people have done to us, no matter how bad.
The Trap
An offense is basically a stumbling block, even a trap. Someone hurt you, someone betrayed you, someone wronged you. They lied to you, they tricked you, they failed you. And the enemy uses it as a blockage to your faith, and as a trap for you to fall into. Someone did something to you, but the enemy capitalizes on it.
Ephesians 4:26-27 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
In times of anger and hurt, what we do with it, or don't do with it, is an opportunity for the enemy. It's like a crack in the door for the enemy to come in and stir up more anger, bitterness, and sin, whether that's retaliating, gossiping, or just resisting surrender to God.
It's actually a genius plan. He plays on our emotions and on our longing for justice. We are designed for justice, to see good win over evil, for love and peace to prosper. So when we are offended, we want it to be made right. The enemy twists that into wanting it to be made even, or fair, by our own idea or plan for what fairness is, and by taking matters into our own hands.
Do you see how this is a trap? Offense pulls us away from faith. It gets in the way of what God wants to do in our lives.
Never Avenge Yourselves
We've read this passage before, but I held back on one of the verses.
Romans 12:17-19 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."
It says "never" avenge yourselves. Not sometimes, not every once in a while, but never. I don't think we take this seriously.
We may not avenge ourselves in a deep or big way, but we make passive aggressive comments. We defend ourselves to others. We take cheap shots in conversations. We withhold attention or approval. We avoid people at all costs. We give as little to them as necessary. In these ways, we take revenge. We get our payback.
We aren't very good at leaving it to God. He takes too long. He doesn't make it obvious. He doesn't do it how I want Him to. And He may not do it in our lifetime.
Psalm 94 calls Him a "God of vengeance." It's His job. But we'd like to think we can do it better. We don't see how God is executing justice, so we want to take matters into our own hands.
Do we trust God to handle justice?
It's so hard when we are deeply hurt, deeply offended. There are unspeakable things people have done to you, things that not only hurt you but hurt the heart of God. It pains Him for His children to be in pain.
But carrying the offense only brings more hurt and pain. We don't release it to God only for their sake, or only to love our enemies. We do it for our own sake. The stumbling block and trap of offense keeps us in the depths of our pain. It holds us there, reliving, recounting, and returning to the scene of the crime over and over. We stay stalled out in our faith, our obedience, and our calling.
Holding onto offense is only holding you back.
Maybe I Wasn't the Good Guy
In my offense, I finally started to realize that maybe I wasn't the good guy. I had a part to play.
Side note: if you are always the good guy in your own story, you are being misled.
The same day I was journaling about the book I'd been given, I was reading Numbers 16. The story is about two groups rising up against Moses' leadership.
Numbers 16:3 They assembled themselves together against Moses and against Aaron and said to them, "You have gone too far! For all in the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the Lord is among them. Why then do you exalt yourselves above the assembly of the Lord?"
About 250 men gathered to call Moses out. They felt like he'd promoted himself above everyone else. Ultimately, they were jealous of God's hand on Moses and the leadership he'd been entrusted with. It's a slightly complicated story you'll just need to go read for yourself, but essentially, two groups were furious at Moses, thinking they could do a better job.
One of the groups belonged to the Levites, the tribe tasked with serving God in the tabernacle. They were ministers of God, but they weren't Moses and Aaron, and they wanted more power and leadership. They wanted God to side with them, to elevate them, to get rid of these leaders.
Does this feel familiar?
Many times, we are offended by our leaders, or by those in authority over us. We are quick to say we would do it differently. We aren't willing to see the full picture. We want the promotion or the title so we can have a say. We want more authority to make things better.
Now, Moses is a humble and gracious leader, and maybe that's not your experience. But the first thing he does is show humility, and then ask God to be the judge of who is holy or not. He also points out the great work the Levites already have to do.
Numbers 16:9-10 Is it too small a thing for you that the God of Israel has separated you from the congregation of Israel, to bring you near to himself, to do service in the tabernacle of the Lord and to stand before the congregation to minister to them, and that he has brought you near him, and all your brothers the sons of Levi with you? And would you seek the priesthood also?
He points out that the work they're already doing is important. God did call them to leadership. God does bring them close, and asks them to partner with Him. Just because it isn't the highest position doesn't mean it doesn't matter.
The other group simply doesn't like Moses. It's personal at this point. They blame him for the wilderness, and now, for exalting himself above them.
Now Moses is angry, and it's time for God to make a decision.
Numbers 16:20-22 And the Lord spoke to Moses and to Aaron, saying, "Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment." And they fell on their faces and said, "O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and will you be angry with all the congregation?"
Even though these people are coming for Moses, even with his leadership challenged, even though they don't like him, and even though they are wrong, Moses asks God to relent from wiping them out. He still leads them. He still intercedes for them. That's leadership.
But in the end, God wipes them out. He wipes out the people who thought they could do it better, who complained about and discredited their leader.
When I read that, I felt convicted. I didn't feel like the good guy in my story anymore.
Now, as always, two things can be true. My offense was true. I was wronged. I was hurt. I had evidence, receipts, and proof, even recordings. But I was discrediting and complaining against people put in position by God. God put them there. God gave them their leadership and authority. That doesn't make it okay, and it doesn't dismiss the wrongdoing, but it also doesn't make it okay for me to avenge myself.
Just because you're right doesn't mean you get to prove it. It doesn't mean people need to know it.
I sense I'm not the only one who has been offended by someone in authority, not just because I know so many of your stories, but because it's in the Bible. Here's how the two are connected.
Laying Down Your Right to Be Right
In Romans 12 and 1 Peter, both passages about offense, the surrounding context is submission to authority.
At the end of Romans 12, right after we're told to never avenge ourselves and to take care of our enemies, chapter 13 says this:
Romans 13:1-2 Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.
Like many of us today, the enemy to Christians back then was those in authority, specifically, the government. God knew that navigating enemies, offenses, and authority go hand in hand.
What was hard for Jesus' followers when He was on earth can be hard for us today. They expected His kingdom to come through force, for the Messiah to rescue them physically from their oppressors. But Jesus didn't come to take over the country, to burn everything down, to gather an army for war, or to overthrow authorities.
It's no different now. Our ideas of justice, of God being on our side, and of God's kingdom coming, probably aren't what God is actually doing.
In your offense, in your hurt, you may want God to smite them, fire them, remove them, shame them, or even hurt them. And more often than not, they seem to be doing just fine, and somehow getting better instead of worse. This is not what you expected God to do.
Our idea of justice and God's idea of justice are rarely the same. And we can't waste our lives waiting around for justice, waiting for God to show them, to "get" them, or to change things the way we want them changed. Those things are all out of our control.
Instead:
1 Peter 2:19-20 For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God.
This section comes right after a call to submission to authority. Peter has just said to be subject to every human institution. He tells servants to respect their masters, not just the good ones, but the unjust ones too.
In response to being treated poorly, treated unjustly, we are called to endure. We endure the pain, the hurt, the suffering, setting our minds on God, our true authority. This means regarding God more than we regard man.
When we suffer offense without sinning, it's a gracious thing. Thankworthy. Praiseworthy.
How does that demonstrate the grace of God?
1 Peter 2:21-25 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
Your behavior demonstrates the grace of God toward you. We suffer offense, we love our enemies, we don't seek revenge, because Jesus did that for you.
Although He didn't deserve it, and we do, Jesus didn't manipulate or deceive. He didn't insult them. He didn't threaten them. He gave His offenses over to God, who judges justly.
When we were enemies of God, through our sin, our rebellion, our disobedience, He didn't pay us back. He didn't hurt us back. He took those sins and bore them for us. He brought healing for us. He made a way for us to be right with God. That's how He treated us as enemies, when we greatly offended Him.
And that's our model. When we are able to let go of offense, we exhibit the grace of God.
It's a Process
It sounds so nice and so easy. I know it's not. Letting go of offense is a process, often one step forward and ten steps back.
Some of the steps I try to practice are:
Praying for the offender
Processing with good and godly people (not everyone, and not people who are offended by them too)
Repeating forgiveness
Immersing myself in Truth
Therapy
So where do we take our offense? How do we handle it?
The answer to our offense is actually another kind of stumbling block.
Isaiah 8:11-15 For the Lord spoke thus to me with his strong hand upon me, and warned me not to walk in the way of this people, saying: "Do not call conspiracy all that this people calls conspiracy, and do not fear what they fear, nor be in dread. But the Lord of hosts, him you shall honor as holy. Let him be your fear, and let him be your dread. And he will become a sanctuary and a stone of offense and a rock of stumbling to both houses of Israel, a trap and a snare to the inhabitants of Jerusalem. And many shall stumble on it. They shall fall and be broken; they shall be snared and taken."
A rock can be for safety, or it can be something you run into and hurt yourself on. You either accept Him, or you're offended by Him. You will either find Him a safehouse to run to, or He'll be in your way.
If you harden up over your offense, if you carry the burden, if you push back, you will run into a rock. You will continually trip over what God wants for your life, and you will eventually break.
But if you take your offense to the rock that is a refuge, to the sanctuary, you will find safety and healing. Let His strength be your strength.
To find freedom from offense, you have to take it to Him. Not for revenge, not for payback, but to lay down your part, meaning what's in your control: your thought patterns, your emotions, how you go about your life.
And it probably won't change the situation, or the person who offended you.
But that's not our responsibility.
You don't have to carry this alone.
Grab my free guide, Letting Go of Resentment, for practical steps to release what's weighing you down — one small step at a time.
